Period pain is the inevitable plight of being a woman. We have to smile through our cramps and continue conversations with coworkers as we feel a blood clump the size of Texas slowly sliding out of us. Was that too visual? Smiling through blood clumps is one thing, but trying to smile through intense cramps is a whole other story. We have to start getting real about periods. We all have different ways of relieving our period pain, it seems every man and his dog has some bizarre home remedy that their great grandmother swears by.
But what are some ways we can actually manage period pain?
Yes, the big ‘O’ is an effective (and fun) way to manage your period pain. Although, it might not be the most practical… unfortunately I think it’s slightly frowned upon to call in sick to work, and instead spend the whole day wanking. The endorphins our brains produce when we come placate our pain, and leave us in a temporary euphoric state. Pain has no place in this post-come haze. So if your cramps are killing you, open your top drawer and explore the many ways of relieving pain with an orgasm. Whether you’re going for external or internal stimulation, well that’s your call, grab a towel and get a little messy with your pleasure toy.
2. A Hot Water Bottle
As I can’t constantly come, this is my other go to. There is nothing better than finally curling up in bed with your hot water bottle after a long day. The heat and the weight really do it for me and relieve the pain more effectively than any pharmaceutical can. The heat works to stimulate blood flow, easing your muscle contractions and relieving cramps. It gets to the point where my whole stomach turns red from the heat and I’m sweating profusely, but if it can alleviate cramps, it’s all worth it!
3. A Hot Bath (or Shower)
You either love or hate baths. For me, they’re another personal favorite. A bubble bath, a good book and a cup of tea; the ultimate relaxation! Baths also sooth those all consuming period cramps, the heat covering my whole body works wonders. But if you’re not a bath babe, there’s always sitting down in the shower. Yes, the fetal position in the shower is another goody. You might feel a little pathetic; curled up on the (potentially) dirty shower floor, but sometimes it’s all you can do to feel that little bit better.
4. Electric Nerve Stimulation
Don’t worry, it sound a lot scarier than it actually is! These handy little devices can stick to your stomach for hours, as they emit electric currents onto your stressed and overworked muscles, like a glass of wine on a Friday afternoon… but for your uterus! These currents calm down your nerves and serve to increase your endorphins, just like a good old orgasm… but you can wear these at work. I don’t know about your place of work but coming in the cleaning closet probably wouldn’t fly.
Sometimes sitting in the bath for hours on end simply isn’t an option, and we have to leave the house and pretend to be functioning adults (who aren’t in worlds of pain). Enter ibuprofen, over the counter, and onto the tongue. Unfortunately pharmaceuticals are sometimes a necessary evil to get through the day. In a prefect world, we’d treat our periods naturally, but period pain is far from perfect so excuse me if I pop a pill.
No one has felt like doing this, not ever. The last thing you want to do when in pain is to exercise. However implementing a relaxed routine all the way throughout your menstrual cycle does help! This doesn’t mean you have to run a marathon while crying with cramps, but a bit of movement will help. Try practicing a more relaxed way to get your muscles moving, like yoga. It’s all about the endorphins, just like with having an orgasm, when you exercise your brain releases those sweet, sweet endorphins!
7. Eating healthy
I didn’t want to list this one because I don’t hate women… but, unfortunately for us eating healthy throughout your menstrual cycle can significantly decrease bloating and cramps. Of course it’s the last thing you feel like doing, and a healthy meal doesn’t quite compare to being slumped in bed, eating McDonalds. In the long run however, you will end up thanking yourself for choosing broccoli over bacon. Salty and fatty foods can increase inflammation, i.e. bloating, which can be painful in itself and worsen period pain.
Ok, hear me out! Yes, eating healthy will help to relieve period pains, but we’re talking eating right through your whole cycle. So a little chocolate when you’re in the worst throws of a period breakdown won’t hurt too much! Sometimes all we need is a little lindt lovin. Besides, chocolate contains magnesium, which is great for our menstrual cycles; see for yourself in the video below!
When I asked my girls group chat what their go to is for managing period pain, unfortunately almost everyone answered, ‘crying and chocolate’. Now, I’m sure we can all relate. But tissues are for clean up, not crying, so maybe grab a G-spot vibrator and cheer yourself up? Women are masters of multitasking, so if you want to do both: cry wank, that’s your right! But pleasuring yourself is sure to put a smile on your face; they don’t call them sexual wellness products for nothing.
There’s something about swimming. While swimming the pressure of the water and the endorphins you release due to getting the body up and active, can contribute to a relaxing and pain free swim! Besides a nice refreshing dip in the ocean always make me feel 1000x better, the fresh air, salt water and getting off the couch or the shower floor… it’s also a reminder that we can’t let out periods stop us from doing the things we love.
P.s. I promise the sharks won’t get you.
11. Balancing Hormones
There’s a huge range of teas, vitamins and herbs we can take to attempt to balance our hormones, after all, it’s probably what our ancient sisters who forged in the forest did, right? The idea of drinking a tea to sooth period pains is so very wholesome and appealing, however the whole process is pretty overwhelming; deciding which tea works for what and if I need to start adding turmeric to every meal can get out of hand quickly. If we take care of our body, it in turn looks after us back. The best way to balance hormones is in the simple things. Having a relatively healthy balanced diet, a stable sleep routine, and of course, just drink so more water.
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